The best moments in my standup career have been since I’ve been sharing my story of having a child on the autism spectrum. So many people that have someone they love with special needs come up to me after the show to tell me how much they appreciate my perspective on the subject. I have been privileged to share some special moments with these fans, as they tell me stories about a person they love. They are part of the same tribe as myself.

Last year following a show in Detroit I had a memorable moment. Some guy comes up to me and says So you have an autistic kid? Let’s begin with that. If I hear someone say something like this, I generally know they have little knowledge on the subject. I’m not saying you are a bad person if you say something like this, as it’s not a prerequisite in life to always say the perfect thing, but I promise you I would never describe my girl that way. My girl is not autistic first. She is my beautiful girl first. It might seem like semantics to most, but the reason I mostly use the phrase “autism spectrum” is because people with autism are so diverse that it seems unfair to label them all with just one word. Spectrum helps me denote the wide range of people that are on it.

As I said, though, I tried to keep an open mind to this guy, despite internally flinching a little at his initial sentence. He then offered this up. My girlfriend has an autistic kid too. Let me tell you, some people annoy the shit out of me. I was at the store the other day and someone was staring at the kid. Well I told them to quit fucking staring and focus on something else. 

At this point, the guy seemed pretty impressed with himself, which is why I’m guessing he wanted to tell me this story. I know what he wanted was for me to slap him on the back and congratulate him for standing up against these staring people. Instead, I just wished him the best of the luck with his girlfriend and told him to treat her well, because she has went through a lot as a mother with child on the spectrum.

Here’s what I took from our conversation. To me this guy was no hero. He was someone embarrassed by his girlfriend’s son and was constantly looking around to see if other people were judging him by being with the boy. I would bet big money that he is no longer with the Mom. As hard as it can be for a single mother of a child with special needs to meet someone, an insecure lout like this guy would have been a bad addition to the already chaotic life they were living.

Here’s a little secret that parents of children with special needs don’t usually share. When we are out in public, we rarely have anytime to notice what other people are doing, as our focus is trying to navigate the bumpy road which our child is trying to navigate. I truthfully couldn’t tell you what other people’s reactions are to Maddie, as my focus is on Maddie first, and then the list I’m trying to get through as fast as I can.  As I’ve discussed before, Commencing Meltdown Engines On can happen as fast as 10, 9, 8…

I will tell you that since I’ve known Maddie was not a typically developing child, I’ve become more apt to look at people that are like her. I feel a strong connection towards these people and whoever is taking care of them. In a world where we as parents of children with special needs often feel alone, I wish these parents could read my mind and understand that I know many of the challenges they live with on a day to day basis. Now when I’m not with Maddie, though, I’m like most everyone else, concerned that these people might take my looking at them in the wrong way. So I know how difficult it can be to choose the right reaction. It’s human nature to want to look at people that don’t fit the norm. That is why the reaction this lout had created the opposite reaction he was hoping for from me.

So what should you do when you see a person with special needs? Start by not turning away. That is the most hurtful thing you can do. Even though society has always treated people with special needs like social lepers, they are not. A smile would be a good place to start. If you have an empathetic heart, that will serve you well. I promise you that Maddie has never complained about someone smiling at her. As I said, it’s a WIDE spectrum, so the social skills of each INDIVIDUAL will run the gamut–which when you think about it, is not much different than typically developing people.

I realize it’s not easy to know how to react around someone with special needs. I have a child who can be hard to predict–even for me. Most cliches are bullshit to me, but the patience is a virtue one is a great place to start. I have no problem with you staring as long as you show my child some mix of patience, empathy, and especially if you add a smile. Come to think of it, that’s a pretty good formula to treat everyone with. I know I would be better served if I treated others that way. Well, except hecklers.